Beauty for Ashes: Overcoming the Pain of Sexual Abuse

            In the wake of the Jerry Sandusky conviction, the Tyler Perry confession of being sexually abused on Oprah, the Eddie Long accusations and the revelations of Catholic priests who also abused children for many decades, my wife and me felt compelled to write about it from a Christian prospective. We would be naïve to think that this is not a church issue and that there are not individuals in the pews and the pulpit who have been sexually abused in their lives. As ex-victims ourselves, we feel a compassion for those who have been sexually abused or experiencing abuse now. We know the pain, shame and sometimes destructive behaviors that are associated with this kind of abuse. But we also know the healing power of God and freedom that comes with it.  Isaiah 61:3 proclaims, “To console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (depression) that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” In this article, we want to share with you a few keys that have helped us in our healing process.

             When we took a statistical view point, we were astounded at the number of victims that have been affected by this kind of atrocious abuse. According to the U.S. Centers of Disease Control, 1in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 17 and 1 in 6 boys before the age of 18.  Also, 20% of known rape victims in the U.S. are younger than 11 years of age and 35% of girls between grades 7-12 had been sexually abused.[1] Girls are more frequently the victims of sexual abuse, three times more than boys, but the number of boys is also substantial. Sexual abuse has increased 350% since 1980 according to several reports. Likewise, a 2003 national study of U.S. adults reported that 14.2% of men were sexually abused[2] and the U.S. Department of Justice reports that 10% of men and 50% of women who were incarcerated had been physically or sexually abused as a child.  I am most certain that the numbers are slightly higher because of victims suffering in silence as we did. As you can see these statistics are disheartening and disturbing, but there is healing and deliverance through Jesus Christ as we will discover in the following paragraphs.

            Before Chris and I go into the keys of healing, you must understand that healing is a process and not some instantaneous thing. We are faith-filled believers and know that God is a God of the suddenly, but in most instances of abuse healing takes time to come to complete fruition. We want people to understand that it will take time and effort on their part for healing to manifest. There are many traumas that accompany victims of abuse and all must be dissected. So we encourage all individuals of abuse to not only trust God for their emotional healing but also seek professional counseling.

            The first step to restoration is to confront and acknowledge what happened to you. You cannot conquer what you do not confront! One of the enemy’s strategies is for you to ignore or forget the mistreatment that you endured or are presently enduring. He wants you to live in the oppression of shame and guilt which keeps you silent. After deceiving Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they became aware of their sinful state and hid in shame.[3] Satan continues to use this same ploy with those who have been sexually abused. For Chris and I, the healing process could not begin until we admitted we had been abused and realized it was not our fault. The majority of your healing occurs the moment you can speak out about being abused.

            The next key to healing is forgiveness. Not only forgiving the abuser but also forgiving yourself. Most victims hold themselves responsible for the abuse incurred.  As Jessica explained in the prior paragraph, this abuse was not your fault and you cannot hold yourself liable for the abuser’s perverse desires. Some of the indicators of unforgiveness rooted in abuse are low self-esteem, fear, co-dependency, anger both inwardly and outwardly, physical illness and unanswered prayers. Forgiveness is a powerful act and all of these negative traits will dissolve as you forgive the perpetrator and yourself. The bible says in Matthew 6:14 and 15 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive your trespasses.” Paul also states to forgive one another as Christ has forgiven us.[4]

            Finally and most importantly, you must receive the Father’s healing and know that His unconditional love is available for you. It is hard for the victim to receive God’s love because it is freely given, with no strings attached. The victim’s mentality must be renewed through the Word to receive this free gift. The Apostle Paul writes in Romans 8:32, “What then shall we say to these things, if God is for us, who can be against us. He who did not spare His own Son but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things.” There is a freedom that comes with God’s love. A freedom from the shame, pain, guilt and condemnation attached with sexual abuse. So receive your joy for mourning, gladness for sorrow, praise for suppression, healing for broken heartedness and BEAUTY FOR ASHES!

If you are a victim of sexual abuse or know someone being abused please contact: www.americanhumane.org

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[1] McCreary Adolescent Health Survey, 1999

[2] Briere, J. & Elliot, D.M. 2003 Child Abuse, 27, 1205-1222

[3] Genesis 3:7,9

[4] Ephesians 4:32

Where are the Fathers?

Where are the Fathers?

By Evangelist Chris Jacobs

           

According to the U.S. Department of Census 43% of U.S. children live without their fathers which is five times the national average, 90% of homeless and runaway children are fatherless, thirty two times the average and 85 % of all youth incarcerated come from fatherless homes, twenty  times the average[Texas Department of Corrections]. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of those incarcerated lived in mother only households and one fifth experienced a father who was also imprisoned. Daughters of single parents without a father involved are 53 % more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers and 164% more likely to have a pre-marital sexual encounter. As a father these statistics are staggering and very tragic. However on a brighter and more encouraging note, children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have a healthy self-esteem, exhibit compassion and avoid high risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy and criminal activity compared to those who have uninvolved fathers.

Unfortunately this spirit of fatherlessness has slinked its way into Christendom and the Body of Christ. If we were to take a statistical look at the church, the numbers of the spiritually fatherless would be equal to or undoubtedly higher than those we just concentrated on. It saddens me to see this term “spiritual father” used so lightly. The Church must make sure not to become involved in faddish or popular terms that come and go. From my own experience, I can count on both hands how many times a pastor or minister has called me “son”.  But as soon as you are not a part of his or her ministry, you become an orphan. One of the definitions of an orphan is a child who has lost both parents and less commonly, one parent. This regrettably paints a picture of the Body of Christ today. So many have been orphaned and abandoned by self-proclaimed spiritual fathers and mothers as well as those appointed and anointed by God to be spiritual fathers or mothers. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 4:15[Amplified], “After all, though you should have ten thousands teachers [guides to direct you] in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers, For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the glad tidings (the Gospel).”

In today’s Christian world there are countless preachers, pastors, prophets and teachers (instructors), but the question remains, where are the fathers? Where are those willing to take the time to raise true sons and daughters in the Kingdom? Yes, being a father takes time, patience, sensitivity and commitment. In the same light, spiritual fathers must adopt this way of viewing spiritual parenting. At times being a father is very inconvenient and all selfishness must be disregarded. As Moses was to Joshua, as Elijah was to Elisha, as Naomi was to Ruth and as Paul was to Timothy, those in five-fold ministry must be to those entrusted to them by God. I consider every believer to be a spiritual cover or guardian to people they have led to Christ and discipled.  As Jesus said in Matthew 28:19 we must not only go but we are to make disciples of all nations and people. This was not a suggestion but a command.

There are distinct and biblical characteristics that a spiritual father must possess. First, I believe he must know your calling and purpose before being a part of your spiritual destiny. Just as Paul knew Timothy’s calling in 2 Timothy 4:5, true spiritual fathers must know their son’s or daughter’s calling. Many “spiritual fathers” want to mold you into what they think you should be. This is not biblical but indeed is manipulative and must be confronted and rejected. Secondly, he or she must be available at all times. As a father I am readily available to my daughter twenty four hours, seven days week. What good is a father if he is not accessible? Thirdly, he must cover and protect you no matter what. Just as God our Father protect and covers us daily so should spiritual leadership. As I previously mentioned, many “spiritual fathers” abandon you when you are no longer involved in their vision or ministry. I do not have the option of deserting Jazmyn, my daughter, when she is no longer in our home. I would be considered a deadbeat father and so should those who have abandoned their spiritual children. Finally, a true father should want his children to be better and more successful than he is. A father should never muzzle a child’s gifts, talents or anointing. There is no room for competition in the Kingdom and certainly not among family. Proverbs 23:15-16 [Msg] says, “Dear child, if you become wise, I’ll be one happy parent. My heart will dance and sing to the tuneful truth you will speak.”

In conclusion, I truly believe that God is fostering true fathers in the Body of Christ. Those with the Kingdom agenda and also those committed to the role of spiritual fatherhood. Hopefully, pastors are becoming more aware of their responsibility to help rear sons and daughters who are healthy spiritually, emotionally and relationally. As Malachi 4:6 says, “And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.”